NBA Teams and Their Rock Band Doppelgangers

Music and basketball can have their similarities. There’s a rhythm and a pace. Stars lean back and let out a scream in a fierce entertaining fashion.

But how about we really harness in on those parallels from band to band, team to team.

“Wait, we’re comparing current NBA teams, more associated with the rap world, to rock bands? Interesting”

I understand your point, but comparisons between these organizations are sometimes just too canny. I also, don’t like genres; it’s unfair to music. But that’s another unrelated discussion you can have with me.

And also, what the heck, it sounds fun and I’ve never cared more about writing something in my life.

Disclaimer: This article should be an eternal read, in the sense that my comparisons are more based on the state of the NBA organizations recently, rather than the current roster. For instance, if Raymond Felton goes to the Hornets this summer that’s not going to annihilate my Mavericks analogy.

Let me also preface by saying the greatness of band does not equal greatness of team. In fact it had to be weighted towards the band. If I’m using teams that have been muddling around the past years and no one will really remember, it’s pretty boring to pick an equally forgettable muddling band. So the bands will have been overall more successful than the team, most likely.

I’m going to start backwards, if that’s okay with you. The 2015 non-playoff teams…

Miami Heat: U2

                                            

We take for granted what they are. They go up and down and have their better days and lesser days, but then we remember: Oh yeah, they’re U2. They’ll release an album every 3 years. I think they’re going to be fine. Oh yeah they’re the Miami Heat. They live in Miami. I think they’re going to be fine.

They’ve had hubbub as of recent, (the Heat Big Three Villains Decision) (The forced iTunes album)

But in general they’re going to keep doing their thing and be an enjoyable place/listen that we forget have great perks. Also, is there some kind of Bono - Bosh comparison? I feel like there is one.

Indiana Pacers: Bad Company

Ooh boy this is a fun one. Both have been run under legends. Bad Company was signed by Led Zeppelin's label Swan Song and the Pacers are run by Larry Legend himself. (I tried to force a Swan/Bird pun in there, but it just wasn’t working out)

Also they are grounded in a classic play style. Bad Company produces, with gleeful bliss, the power of 70’s guitar riffs and belting vocals. The Pacers have that homey Indiana teamwork that reminisces that of old time - glory days basketball. They’re considered bad company. You have Paul Rodgers - Paul George. It’s all there.

Sacramento Kings: Badfinger

                                         

This one’s all about bad luck.

Sure there was a brief moment of success (C-Webb, Peja, Bibby years) (String of hit songs in 1970)

But if they didn’t have bad luck they had no luck at all. Badfinger went through a quagmire of bad business deals, diminishing returns, and terrible management. With chemistry becoming so bad, a band member killed himself.

Hoping that fatal end doesn’t apply to the Kings, Sacramento just can’t win for losing. Literally. Bad draft picks, an owner that I’m pretty sure doesn’t know what basketball is, and team chemistry that… well I’ll spare you the (makes this thing look like that thing) shtick... but it’s not good.

Poor guys. On the other hand, a Badfinger song was used as the beautiful release that was the Breaking Bad finale. Maybe it will all be worth it in the end? Optimism.

Denver Nuggets: Dirty Mac

                      

So Dirty Mac was a brief supergroup that consisted of John Lennon, Keith Richards, Eric Clapton, and Mitch Mitchell. Sounds tempting right? Yeah, I guess, but I don’t get it. They got all the pieces, it just doesn’t work and doesn’t fit for some reason. Keith Richards is the bass player?

Now the problem here is that I’m comparing music legends like Lennon, Richards, and Mitch Mitchell to Faried, Gallinari, and Randy Foye.

But it’s still this weird concept of having all these pieces that work great elsewhere, but don’t work all together.

JJ Hickson definitely is “Slow Hand” in this situation… Come on, not even a chuckle?

Phoenix Suns: Styx

Twins.

Yes, I could have been more obvious with Tegan and Sara here, but I liked the idea that the Panozzo brothers of Styx are the bass player and drummer, with Tommy Shaw and DeYoung taking most the stardom. The Suns are exciting in their own way, but don’t overshine other teams by any means. Yes, Markieff is arguably their star, but in the breadth of the NBA I’m not exactly thinking everyday: I wonder what Markieff Morris’ numbers are today?

If this is your team, you’re probably thinking there is a better variable to use as the comparison than this, but think about it: There are TWINS playing on the same team in the NBA!! It’s a rarity to actually play in the NBA, they have twins playing. I’ll never get over that, sorry.

As well, sometimes I wonder if the past two years for Phoenix have been a “grand illusion.” (Song pun)

Utah Jazz: Phoenix

Young, French, and starting to make a noise in America.

Your mind isn’t playing tricks on you from the last team, Phoenix is an “upcoming” french band.

Gobert is an upcoming french player called Stifle Tower. Cool.

French comparison summary: It’s the main thing they have going for them, and it’s kind of uplifting. Gordon Hayward has a lead singer vibe to him, as well.

Also, how funny is it that even their doppelganger band name has to go somewhere else besides Utah for success. I’m sorry Utah, I’m sure it’s a great state, I’m just writing it for the sake of comedy.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Fleetwood Mac

                       

Hey! We had a star, oh look we got another star, and this could prevail more successfully.

This one personally makes sense as well. Fleetwood Mac has the legacy of starting off being a witty blues band led by Peter Green. He was great and I personally like his work with the band more than the later years. Or in the case of the Timberwolves, I feel like I like the style of Kevin Love more than that of Andrew Wiggins… but it has a better chance to succeed. Fleetwood Mac gets Stevie Nicks and all of a sudden Rumours comes out and is a monster.

We’ll see Andy Wig, it’s in your hands.

Detroit Pistons: Metallica

So, before they wrote “Enter Sandman,” heard during every NBA timeout, Metallica had a guitarist named Dave Mustaine. He was a very talented player, but through his intrusive ways with band style and personality clashes, he was actually hurting the music they were looking to make.

So they got rid of him and all of a sudden Metallica is making the metal heads happier than a metal head can be! It worked out for the better!

Sound familiar Pistons fans?

One of the best stories for Detroit basketball fans over the past years has been the realization that if they just dump Josh Smith and have a great coach, they are on the fast track for success. Poor Smith just was doing way too many wrong things to not be cut with pay.

A note for Dave Mustaine and Josh Smith fans. It can turn out for the better. Talent is there. Mustaine went on to be in Megadeth and Josh Smith is actually a key component for the Houston Rockets. Optimism.

Los Angeles Lakers: The Doors

                         

Ahh the sounds of Los Angeles. There’s a bunch a people trying to do pretty much the same thing, so it’s a rarity whenever you’re the voice of the city in your position.

Well there you go. The Doors are acclaimed as the quintessential Los Angeles band. The Lakers are a DESTINATION. Nothing really beats the legacy of their stamp on Los Angeles and the celebs in attendance.

There’s a little dichotomy with the superstar though.  

Jim Morrison at the end of the day is a uber talented songwriter and poet. But many debate whether this was done with buffoonery and self indulgence that, on a personal basis, probably isn’t very heartwarming.

Uh oh, sorry Lake Show, but at least let me say it. Kobe Bryant is uber talented. But many debate whether this is done while being the biggest scoring hog of all time. A killing instinct that doesn’t mesh with everyone.

There is also an understanding that, though they are bar-none the needed star for success, they require help for surrounding members to really get over the hump. Keyboardist Ray Manzarek was really good at taking Morrison’s concepts and turning them into witty melodies. Guitarist Robby Kreiger, wrote “Light My Fire!” Their biggest song. Kobe needed Shaq. He needed Gasol. He needed Julius Randle. (Just kidding, though maybe?)

Both are known for absolute passion. Morrison for his words and emotions; Kobe for basketball dominance.

Song of choice for Laker fans: “Break on Through (To the Other Side)” or “Back Door Man”

Orlando Magic: The Steve Miller Band

This one may roll a few eyes, but hear me out. That’s the band I listen to while driving on vacation. Get it?

Also, look at their collective history: Dwight Howard, Shaquille O'neal, Penny Hardaway, and two young guns in Payton and Oladipo. Yet no one outside basketball ever talks about the Orlando Magic. My friend thinks the Magic are a Colorado team.

On the same coin, no one I know, even music people, know what Steve Miller looks like. What does he look like? But the band has plenty of hits that are sung with vigor while driving away for the summer, and I have no worry of caring what happened with the logistics. You’re the vacation source. Thank you. 

Here's what he looks like by the way: Livin' in the USA

Charlotte Hornets: R.E.M 

                     

I’ll admit, I thought it would be hard to find one for Charlotte. It’s hard to pick a band that represents a team that has had no success story in their entire existence. At first I was like: Mugsy Bogues, so pick a band with a short guy? Nah.

Then I remembered that we have to stick with the positives. Here’s the main reason why I love them: They are like a college team. Surrounded by college basketball powerhouses in Duke and North Carolina, their frat-like fandom leads to an environment that only post-high school/ pre-career life can exemplify.

The obvious doppelganger then obviously becomes the college radio powerhouse of R.E.M. Got a radio in your dorm before the big Hornets/Bobcats game, you probably heard R.E.M 11 or 126 times.

I hate to throw this out there, but some Hornets players might be saying “Losing my Religion.” If their religion growing up was Michael Jordan, it makes sense for that to wither off after years of playing under him in turmoil.

Philadelphia 76ers: The Moody Blues

Warning: This is very hopeful.

The Moody Blues were a 60’s band that had some minor success in the early 60’s. But then it led to many years of disarrangement and disorder. Sometimes seeming on purpose, or tanking-worthy. Members would leave for school every once and a while, hoping for a record contract to fall from the sky.

Then they got a young guy. At 19 years old, Justin Hayward joined the band and they created an album called “Days of Future Passed.” Then boom, it all clicked together and they had one of the biggest albums of the year, (even in 1967, which is considered the most loaded year for music ever)

Alright 76ers: This Starts Now! Right? You’ve got all the pieces to try something, and they’re very young.

On a more sincere note, “Moody Blues” might also describe the state of Philadelphia sports in recent history.

New York Knicks: The Velvet Underground

Let’s add yet another disclaimer here by saying: I’m somehow looking at the bright side of the Knicks situation. So the VU fans (including myself) don’t get angry that I’m comparing the embarrassing past couple years the Knickerbockers have gone through to the ground breaking things VU did.

The east coast version of the Lakers, The Knicks represent New York. They are a mecca. If they go 1 - 81, other teams are still excited to get to play at such a legendary place.

Keeping with the doppelgangers, in a weird way you could make the case that the Velvet Underground are the east coast version of The Doors. But anyways,  VU was a one of a kind avant-garde band that now has become a mecca of alternative/taking chances music.

Even headed by a guy with previous ways of inventing his own stuff: Andy Warhols unique brand of art expression and Phil Jackson's Triangle.

 Oklahoma City Thunder: The Yardbirds

                           

So the Yardbirds were a band in the 60’s that, unless you know music pretty well or are 65 years old, you probably don’t know.

So you may not know that they had ERIC CLAPTON, JIMMY PAGE, and JEFF BECK in the band!

OKC has had superstars playing together like an all-star team that cannot get the end result.

Both had a guy that left too early: James Harden with OKC, Eric Clapton with the Yardbirds.

They had their moments: Couple radio songs for the Yardbirds, NBA Finals appearance for OKC. But how does this not relay into 300 accolades? I personally love the fact that Oklahoma City has an NBA team so I’d hate what happened with the Yardbirds, all went on to do great things elsewhere, to happen to OKC. I don’t want to see Russell on the Lakers, KD with Miami, and Serge with the Magic. We’ll see.

Moving on subtly to the 2015 Playoff teams, just in time…

Brooklyn Nets: Pearl Jam

Whoops, I put this in the wrong section. Oh, they're a playoff team? Ah ite.

So get this: Pearl Jam had to go through a name change, they were originally called Mookie Blaylock. The Nets didn’t necessarily go through a name change (though they should have), instead they went through a town change from New Jersey.

Pearl Jam’s original name was taken from the NBA player Mookie Blaylock. You know where he was drafted? The New Jersey Nets.

I’m good.

Also, Brooklyn usually is hard to understand while watching. It’s just hard for me to grab onto the way they play and how to keep watching them. Eddie Vedder was infamously known for the incoherent - peanut butter in mouth - vocals.

We’re going to have sleeved jerseys: “Jarrett Jack spoke in… class TODAY!!!”

Boston Celtics: E Street Band

Hey, I can’t go the bar this weekend I’m going to the Verizon Theatre to go see the E Street band.” “Bruce?” “No Bruce.”

The Boston Celtics have ALL the pieces... except for the superstar.

There’s been a lot more things that have happened over the past 3 years besides the second half of the 2015 season, but that’s an interesting situation. Their Bruce Springsteen right now is the coach Brad Stevens. But if we are going to equate that, then it’s like having Springsteen as the manager for the E Street Band. Woohoo, he knows what he’s doing, but we still got next to nothing out there.

Rajon Rondo is Clarence Clemons. Sorry that’s a touchy subject, but things are going to get even more real for the next doppelganger….

Portland Trail Blazers: The Allman Brothers

Almost exactly one year after Allman Brothers guitarist Duane Allman was killed on Oct. 29, 1971 in a motorcycle accident at Macon, Georgia, bassist Berry Oakley died in another motorcycle crash just a few blocks away.

Like I said, it was going to get real.

But listen, Portland has been cursed team for years now. Injuries that decide a playoff series, bad luck team match-ups.

Sure both have had their moments: Couple hit songs and some great albums by the Allman Brothers with a great sound; Finals contenders and historic series winning buzzer beaters for Portland.

There is still a dedicated following within that is deserving and exciting, but doesn’t jump the ultimate hump.

Speaking of dedicated following…

Toronto Raptors: Grateful Dead

                         

This is a logo, not some portrait of one of the members.

This one is pretty simple: Dedicated following. Crazy fans.

Dead Heads went to see Grateful Dead if they had to hitchhike through 6 cars to get across country. It really was unbelievable. Raptors fans are just the same. And they technically have to go to a different country to see them not playing at home.

Raptors fans, you know inside your heart that this is a fair comparison, and you can’t blame me for having such a simple concept behind it because I’m bolstering you guys up! You’re a great crowd that I can’t believe are as dedicated to an NBA team as you are.

Grateful Dead was just the same. I personally don’t partake, but boy it must be quite a feeling.

Jerry Garcia = Lou Williams.

Los Angeles Clippers: Guns N’ Roses

I hate to sound pompous on this article, but come on, I hit it right on the head with this one, right?

They’re flamboyant and known for playing dirty and masquerading the Los Angeles scene. You got two feet shufflers in Axl Rose and Chris Paul. Blake Griffin is definitely Slash. The Clippers are lob city. Axl will lob beer bottles at the audience. I wouldn’t be surprised if these two blockbusters meet up every once in a while discussing techniques and future tactics.

I think “Sweet Child O’ Mine” was actually a lullaby written for Doc to sing to DeAndre Jordan every night.

Washington Wizards: The Ramones

They both hit it off early. They’re rambunctious.

The Wizards went from zero to hero for Washington fans. From a dud, with a point guard known only for a dance, to beating the Bulls in round one and playing the Pacers close.

The Ramones are some young guys that are primarily known for their debut album. Defining the punk genre.

They’re both a little nicer than their facade shows: There are definitely more cocky teams around the league than the Wizards and no one in The Ramones were exactly Johnny Rotten.

But they got a young fighting attitude and we’ll see where it leads to in the future. That’s fair.  

Chicago Bulls: The Kinks

The Kinks were a band that never got the awards even though they were always right there with the best. Check out the albums Arthur or Village Green Preservation Society if you don’t think so.

The Bulls seem to be in a state of opportunity that went by in a flash. They got a great coach, great game style, great players, but just can’t see to get the results come playoff time.

Both are generally led by a star: Ray Davies for the Kinks, Rose for the Bulls. But work well because they function as a team: Ray Davies brother Dave Davies for the Kinks, Noah-Butler-Gibson for the Bulls.

Both are very well respected but just happened to be overshadowed by something bigger at that time: The Kinks were a step behind the Beatles; The Bulls got hot while in the same conference as the Heat.

Also, there is a subtle sense of genius that you quietly pick up on to really respect them.

Song of choice for Bulls fans: “The Contenders” or “This Time Tomorrow”

Milwaukee Bucks: Violent Femmes

Trying to find a rock band that represents Milwaukee in general is quite a venture. How about one that is from Milwaukee? That’ll do it! The Violent Femmes.

Mainly though, the comparison is that some don’t know what’s going on with them, but those that are true connoisseurs of the product know what really makes them intriguing.

Aren’t the Bucks just that team with the freak guy who can dunk from half court just using arms? Aren’t The Violent Femmes just that band that did “Blister in the Sun?”

No, the Bucks actually have one of the most unique and suffocating defenses in the entire NBA.

No, the Violent Femmes actually cemented a kind of 80s alternative music that sparked a generation of subsidiaries.

Both are important to ensuring there is some kind of legacy to Milwaukee.

Memphis Grizzlies: The White Stripes

How about this one. Grit and Grind. Listen to The White Stripes album Icky Thump and tell me you don’t think Grit and Grind.

The Grizzlies are a team using a play style that is very out of time. Powering the low post with strength and sturdiness. Jack White is a troubadour attitude staying sturdy in his place in rock and roll and where the current music industry is now. The White Stripes plays a blues rock that pounded that of the late 60s and early 70s.

There’s even a large Tennessee connection. Jack White is based in Tennessee and reflected that Memphis blues within his White Stripes work.

Zach Randolph wears a headband. Meg White wore a headband.

Song of choice for Grizzlies fans: “We Are Going to Be Friends”

San Antonio Spurs: The Rolling Stones

               

Every year you think this is it, they’re finally shutting the doors…

and then they surprise you.

A friend of mine has been to the Rolling Stones historical last concert… 3 times. They just keep fighting and keep pushing. "Start Me Up" is a hit at 40 years old?

The Spurs have played the “one last job” card for the past 3 championships.

Also they are both, to the lay person, surprisingly better in person then watching/listening to them casually at home.

Ginobli: I Can’t Get No…Back to Back Championships. Cuz I TRY and I TRY and I TRY… I found it funnier to imagine Manu singing this song.

I’ll even add that they are publicly considered rivals with my favorites. I’m a Mavs fan and a Beatles fan. However, to the members themselves they don’t hate the other. Mick Jagger was at the TV filming of All You Need is Love with The Beatles, and Duncan gave Nowitzki a friendly noogie once. It’s all good.

Dallas Mavericks: Queen

               

In general, all the pieces are there. Whether it works out for the Mavericks or not, their starting lineup includes:  Monta Ellis, Chandler Parsons, Nowitzki, Tyson Chandler, and Stoudemire as a backup. On paper that bodes well with any other starting five.

Queen did work well. I doubt anyone even put it on paper. Roger Taylor singing piercing falsetto, John Deacon laying down the bass licks with songs that, though he only wrote a few, became monster hits. (You’re My Best Friend, Another One Bites the Dust)

They have a flaunty leading man: (Freddie Mercury - Mark Cuban)

A quiet and humble assassin: (Brian May - Dirk Nowitzki)

Song of choice for Mavericks fans: Nowitzki singing “We are the Champions” 

New Orleans Pelicans: Creedence Clearwater Revival

                          

This one is inevitable.

Creedence Clearwater Revival were a band that had huge success… because of one guy doing everything! Lead singer, lead guitarist, and songwriter John “freaking” Fogerty wrote the script for CCR. He was pulling out hit songs like a bag of chips.

Without need for too much explanation, look at New Orleans. Anthony “freaking” Davis is changing the game of basketball and IS the Pelicans.

Success early that has never been matched.

Anthony Davis has had the highest PER for a person his age in history. CCR released five albums in TWO YEARS! And this isn’t Frank Zappa stream of consciousness limited fanbase five albums, those CCR albums are staples in music that we still hear today.

CCR are the frontrunners of bayou music, with that swamp splashing 7th chord sound.

New Orleans baby!!

Song of choice for Pelicans fans: “Long as I Can See the Light” or “Looking Out My Backdoor” (Another back door cut pun)

Cleveland Cavaliers: Yes

                   

That’s the name of the band.

Have success with a certain member, then they leave, It doesn’t work out well for the place they left, they come back and with one other contributor, and have the most success.

The Cavaliers lose Lebron, they squander, Lebron comes back and they are a freight train, right?

Yes were a 70s band that put out amazing albums led by super songwriter Jon Anderson. He leaves for his own reasons and Yes kind of muddles around and nothing happens. Anderson comes back and they release an album called 90125 with the song “Owner of Lonely Heart” and have their biggest success.

A few caveats here would be that in the grand scope of music, Jon Anderson is not the global superstar that LeBron is for basketball. As well, I personally think the early years of Yes has some of the best songs in music history, let alone Yes history, compared to the 80s Yes. But if selling the highest and having the most commercial success equals winning an NBA championship than the comparison works here.

All that aside, it still stands that the juggernaut that is Yes’s musical capabilities and the Cavaliers basketball capabilities is strong.

Houston Rockets: ZZ Top 

                       

It’s all about the beard.

James Harden.

ZZ Top was formed in Houston, Texas.

Think about it. They’re the perfect doppelganger, right?

Also, just like the drummer ironically was named Frank Beard, even though he was the only member without a beard, the backup small forward for Houston is named Jonathan Rocket. Not really.

Song of choice for Rockets fans: “Rough Boy” and “Got Me Under Pressure”

Atlanta Hawks: The Who

                            

The Hawks have been a team’s team for a while now. They had their starting lineup win Player of the Month.

With The Who, it tends to be a debate who is more important. Well Pete Townshend is the face with windmill chords. Yeah but Keith Moon is the drumming god. Yeah but John Entwhistle is the bass god. Yeah but Roger Daltrey sings with such brute force and control we’ll never get the “Won’t Get Fooled Again” scream out of our head. A team band. In the audiences eyes.

It’s important to note that I’m separating songwriting Pete from guitar playing Pete. Songwriting Pete is Budenholzer.

John Entwistle is definitely Paul Millsap. “Never mind me over here, I’m just doing my thing.”

The Who name might reflect their close future, who really are they? That was a fun one, I’m really proud of myself.

Song of choice for Hawks fans: “See Me, Feel Me”

Golden State Warriors: Led Zeppelin

Here it is.

It took the right placement getting people together at the right time from other projects, but once it finally did come to fruition: a behemoth was born.

Similar to other great teams and other great bands, all the pieces are there. But this one took off like an unstoppable tsunami.

Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, John Deacon, John Bonham. Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Steve Kerr.

It took some rearranging and unassuming entries (Page couldn’t believe Robert Plant wasn’t in a big band yet when he recruited him) (Steve Kerr picking the Warriors over the Knicks)

It instantly turned into something that everyone was jealous of and wanted to be.

One thing to look for as this continues: Led Zeppelin, though an obvious music powerhouse and revolutionary band, never technically got a Grammy. Once again, I can only say, “we’ll see.” We’ll see what the Warriors can do to change that.

 

HOW DID I DO?